As we’ve made our way into 2021, it may be the strangest start to a year that most of us have experienced. The bizarre journey we’ve collectively traversed throughout 2020 has left us somewhat curious, apprehensive, even nervous about what lies ahead.
At the end of most Decembers I usually find myself irritable. I don’t like the pressure of feeling like I have to choose a word or set some goals. What makes the turn of a year any more important than any other day for making necessary changes in our lives? What guarantees do we have that the next 364 days are going to look the way we think, intend, and plan? Oh, I’ve dabbled in it. I’ve chosen words, I’ve chosen verses, I’ve set goals, I’ve mapped entire plans. But I’ve always felt a bit like my own enemy in the process.
This year I found myself looking back more than looking ahead.
Upon reflection, I realized that 2020 may have been one of my better years.
I knew it wasn’t as bad as what many people experienced, but it wasn’t till I paused and pondered that I realized the large number of GOOD things that occurred in my life! Which left me in awe and filled me with peace about the year ahead.
Before I dig into the past year, let me set the scene by sharing where I was at the end of 2019.
2019 was a pretty difficult year, to be honest. I started the year feeling rather miserable at my job, but not yet feeling that it was the right time to move on. Around May of that year I felt that it was time and began to search for a new job. 2 months later, I was still searching, when I was fired (for reasons that I still believe were totally bogus, unprofessional, and, frankly, irrational) and left totally stunned and unsure what to do next. I had more questions than answers. I couldn’t understand why, when I had given up so much to follow God’s calling, he would let something like this happen to me. But, as I’ve discovered in other seasons in life, trials and suffering have an important role in the Kingdom. So I chose to spend the next several months job searching, while I earned income by painting, cleaning, and doing odd jobs for people. A few days after Thanksgiving I started a job doing deliveries for a local orchard. I assumed it would be for a few months, to get me through till I found something more suitable.
Enter 2020.
By the end of January, I was still reeling a bit from the previous 7 months. I had repeatedly been turned down for jobs that seemed “perfect”, and declined one opportunity that looked perfect on the surface but became less so throughout the interview process. And 2 months in to my “temporary” job, my boss was praising my work and asking me to stick around longer. I didn’t know what to think, but I just decided to roll with it for a little while. I was very surprised to realize that I quite liked my job doing deliveries. I was getting enough work between that and some ongoing cleaning and marketing consulting gigs, so I decided to hang in there and just “see how it goes”. The results have been surprising.
Though I didn’t realize it in the moment, I was showered with life-changing blessings throughout 2020.
1. New job terrain. I’m one of very few women at my job. Usually I’ve worked mostly with women. It’s a pretty different experience! I often joke that I’m a woman in a man’s world, both in my workplace and out in the field when I’m doing deliveries. This has positive and negative elements, but overall it’s been pretty fun. It’s generally far less drama and emotional stress than most of the offices I’ve worked in! It’s meant that I get to be the one to prompt the co-workers to pitch in for a gift for the boss, bring in the baked goods, and be a listening ear when someone needs to talk. It’s meant that I get to be the one to explain social niceties to the young man who lacks social skills. It’s also meant that I get to be the one to clean the bathroom.
2. Physical changes. My job is primarily a physical job, so this has had huge impact on me physically. I’m so much stronger than I was a year ago. I’ve lost 60 pounds. I have more stamina to work longer. I also have way more aches and pains, which has prompted me to dive more into the essential oils I had used lightly. I’m now on a pretty big daily routine with doTERRA supplements and oils. I haven’t been this healthy in years! My immunity is so much stronger than before, and I recover from the day’s hard work so much faster than I could have previously.
3. Ministry opportunities. I was surprised to learn, when I started this job, that some of my coworkers were migrant workers from Mexico. I had no idea that I have had an international mission field in my back yard most of my life! This has been really fun – and challenging – throughout the year. I have absolutely loved learning a bit more Spanish, and I have wrestled continually with figuring out what it looks like to be a single woman trying to be a witness to men from a different culture. It has been far more difficult than I would have expected, which can be frustrating. I often found myself saying “I’m the wrong person for this job.” But the other side of that coin is that, if God can use me in any way in these lives, it is ONLY by his power and for his glory. It has nothing to do with my ability, skill, speech, gifts. It can only be because he has the power to work through me in spite of my failings. There is great grace and freedom in that.
4. I am learning to bake. I’ve never done much in the kitchen, because cooking for one is the pits! But when we have reject fruit at the orchard, I get some freebies. One day I came home with a huge pile of peaches and I decided to learn to make pie. I have literally only made pie one other time as an adult, so I had no idea what to do. But somehow, the experience was a blast and the results were fantastic! So I made 5 more. And then later I made more. And then I made apple dumplings. And apple pie. And apple crisp and apple cobbler. And I bought a few tools for baking that I never needed before. And I realized that I love baking. I do! I love it! I have a lot to learn, but so far my family has given me rave reviews, so I’m encouraged to keep trying! It’s so much fun to learn that I’m not only capable of something that I never envisioned myself doing, but good enough at it to bless the people around me!
5. New driving experiences. I have mostly driven a large van to do my deliveries. But for a couple of months in the middle of the year I drove one of two large trucks. I realized that, while I’m capable of doing it, I don’t like it. The actual driving part wasn’t bad, but I HATED dealing with the delivery parts. And if I told you the story of my first day driving solo, being sent into the side alleys of Pittsburgh, you’d understand why. But in the end, I realized that a shortage of training left me severely unsure of myself with air brakes. I didn’t feel that I was safe enough to be on the road when it rained, and therefore I definitely didn’t think I should drive in the winter. The result has been glorious: I haven’t had to drive the trucks since, and I am in the van (Ernie) nearly every day. And I love it. Van deliveries will grind to a halt in a few months, but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. And I’ll give myself a quiet little pat on the back for braving the roads in Slug and Four.
6. New sleep schedule. Listen, I went from college hours to granny hours in the snap of a finger. My last job was 4pm to midnight, so I slept from 2am(ish) to 10am(ish). Now I fall asleep by 9, occasionally by 7:30, and I wake up somewhere between 3:15 and 5. I think, if given the opportunity, I would slide back towards being a night owl, as that has come very naturally to me as an adult. But I have been awed at my ability to adapt and work with these hours. And I have absolutely loved chasing some of the most incredible sunrises down the highway towards my early delivery destinations.
7. Faith over fear. While the virus of the year has definitely impacted my life, I have been amazed at how it has NOT affected me. When people went into quarantine, I was blessed to be able to keep on working. In fact, we were extra busy, due to the increase in demand for our product. Kids were home from school, parents needed food for the kids, and in general, people were afraid of missing out on produce. So apple sales went up, and we had to work hard to keep shelves stocked. So I kept working. We have had to adapt over the course of the year, instituting additional procedures and practices over our already stringent food safety requirements, but we have been so blessed to keep working. So I gave thanks that I didn’t lose my job. Additionally, the introvert in me was practically created for social distancing and quarantining, so I have been hugely blessed to not struggle with loneliness like all you extroverts out there. I thank God for how he has given me the company and friendships I’ve needed during this year, and I relish the alone time I’ve had as well. But even more than employment and solo time, I’ve realized how much peace I have in the midst of a churning world. I don’t say it to brag, but rather to highlight what peace is available to you as well… The bottom line is that I know where I’m going when I die. I know that this world is not my home. I know that this world is broken, that suffering is all around me, that heartache will continue, that tears will flow, that illness will be prevalent, that relationships will be fractured, that there will be failings and trials and devastation will surround us until we go to be with Christ or Christ returns. If I die, I die. I don’t say that lightly. I say it with tremendous hope for eternity with Christ where there will be no tears and no sadness, where there will be only freedom and joy. Knowing this gives me tremendous peace. I might die from the virus. I might die from a car accident. I might die from falling off my couch. I might die at 100 years old from old age in a nursing home. At some point I will die, and I will be free to enjoy the blessings of eternity worshiping God. How, then, could I live my life in fear of a sickness that may or may not take me? Faith over fear.
8. 40 isn’t so bad. A year ago at this time I was having what my sister jokingly referred to as my “mid life crisis”. I was miserable at the turn of the year, and absolutely dreading turning 40. I planned a big party for my 40th, as a way to make it not so miserable, but we all know how big parties went this year. They didn’t. So instead, I went to my sister’s house, and she graciously threw me a miniature party just for some of my immediate family. She cooked up incredible food, and lit candles that wouldn’t blow out, and I had the best birthday possible. And, as it turned out, 40 is just a number.
9. A new (old) church. Due to the wild adjustments we all had to work through in 2020, I ended up attending church with my family instead of attending my church. It happens to be the church I grew up in, but as God took me on different paths through my 20s and 30s, I attended and joined other churches. Last summer, when a dear friend asked what I was doing for church and I informed her I was attending with my family, she said, “That must feel like going home.” I brushed off her words at first, but they kept coming to mind. I began to realize that it really did feel like going home. And so, just a week ago, I met with the church session to formalize my transfer back to the church I joined as a teenager. It’s something I’m very excited about, although I fully admit that I never saw this coming.
There have been a few hardships as well.
1. The first half of the year contained the crumbling remnants of a previous ministry and friendship. The pain of watching that fall apart and realizing the depth of rejection and deceit is still with me.
2. While I don’t experience great fear when it comes to the virus, I have carried great sorrow. Lives of loved ones have been lost or altered greatly due to their own loss. Others have been altered greatly by forced distancing when they deeply needed the encouragement of a hug or a face-to-face conversation. We’ve all heard statistics of the unintended results of social distancing, quarantine, and unemployment. For many, it runs much deeper than just being alone and out of work. The ripple effects spread far and wide, and I have felt great grief at seeing the waves of hurt, disappointment, cruelty, anger, and devastation that have coursed through our society at large, as well as close to home. And I have prayed fervently for the lives of people I love who became ill with the virus – some of whom did not survive.
3. Fleas are awful. My cat got fleas this year. I don’t know how it happened. He doesn’t go outside, and I don’t have any other animals coming in. But somehow, my house got fleas. So I had to spend a couple of months bombing and powdering and vacuuming and laundering and washing EVERYTHING in the house. It. Was. AWFUL. But it did create an opportunity to start weeding through my possessions and prepping quite a lot of stuff for donations. In some ways I guess you can say I started my Spring Cleaning 6 months early.
Throughout all of these hardships and great blessings I have seen God at work in numerous ways and I have been in awe at his gracious and gentle touch. I am deeply moved at how great his love for me is.
So the next question is, what about 2021?
Do I have a Word, or a verse, or a list of resolutions or goals?
Nope.
If I learned anything last year, it was surrender. Trusting in God’s timing and direction even when it didn’t make a lot of sense, and watching how he unrolled plans far better than mine. So my heart’s desire for the year ahead is to continue to seek him first, and trust that he will let me know the rest of it when it’s time. I might change jobs, I might not. I might travel, I might not. I might do some fun DIY projects or work on the house, I might not. Part of surrendering to God and trusting him is not worrying about the future. It’s focusing on today. So I often find myself pondering questions like, “What does it look like for me to represent Christ today?”
I do recognize the importance of planning for the future. There is wisdom in that. But those plans must be flexible enough to allow us to surrender to the will of God when his plans and ours don’t align. So I pray about it, I ponder it, and I think about what I can do… but my real focus is on the here and now.
So, whatever 2021 might bring, I trust that God will guide my steps, and I eagerly anticipate discovering what he has planned for me.